No longer an adulterer

Ever done something that you thought you never would? or even should? Wanted to do but never dare?

I did today.

Will tell you more later.

But am re-newed - so all good.

Long may it last.

I have been loved many times.

I am a rubbish reciprocator; I try; I want to; but still rubbish.

35 years of age and still don’t learn? !

I am not sure whether it is a question or remark

D is for ‘David’
I is for ‘I’
V is for ‘Verify’
O is for ‘Our’
R is for ‘Resignation’
C is for ‘Cumulating’
E is for ‘our End’
D is for ‘Divorce’

It has been ages since I last blogged,

So much to say, so little time. Where shall I start?

Ok the divorce is coming along ok, soon to be ex hubby is still swinging from angry to fine to angry again. Mostly we just find ignoring each other is best. We are still living together but I am so desperate to find a nice place to live. He needs space as much as I need to move out.

And now?

I met Older Man 2 again last weekend. Had a fabulous time yet again, but I think we both know that we won’t meet again. I want something different to him and therefore it is safer on both counts not to meet again. Absolute bloody shame though, believe me.

I have also been up to no good on lots of different levels over the past couple of weeks, however that is a totally different kind of blog.

I have continued to chat to Younger Man 1, never met, but we chat all the time. We stumbled upon a conversation tonight that was both equally exciting and bizarre. He called me a witch (no need to say why) I said it wasn’t Macbeth and then he just started rhyming off word for word Shakespeare; I am sure this may sound dull as you weren’t there but it really did something for me.

Will blog longer tomorrow. Too tired now.

I am sure that I will rebuked for my opinion on sexuality by some, however it is only my opinion. One opinion that I have recently been reminded of; hence why I have decided to write about it.

The history of my thinking is as follows:

I know there are many old-school nurses out there that will absolutely slate the modern way of training nurses as you can’t beat (apparently) learning on the job, however I was born far too late to undergo SRN or SEN training so had to make do with a degree instead. (that is, in part sarcasm, in part knowledge that the NHS would be better off without over qualified brow wipers – but that is another opinion entirely)

Anyway, as part of the theory of nursing we were taught a lot about sociology and psychology. (Inequalities in Health (the Black Report) and Pavlov and his dogs are sure to be mentioned at some point soon) and sometimes we were just exposed to some pointless exercise that you never saw the point of. Until afterwards, that is.

I still remember being sat in a lecture hall in the Clinical Sciences Building at St James’s in Leeds with my IPS (interpersonal skills) tutor and about 50 other students and we were asked to discuss sexuality, openly and honestly. The group ranged in age from 19 to 50+ (I was probably 21 at the time). We had to volunteer rude / offensive / sexually motivated terms that we knew, without explanation. You can only imagine what was said, nurses are so knowledgeable about these things!! It was only after we had stalled with our ‘brain storm’ did we go back through the list and explained what they meant. Apparently it wasn’t a tutorial to get us friendly with each other, it was to teach us what language some of our future ‘patients’ may use.

Anyway one bloke; I remember him ‘til this day, big bushy beard, Guardian reader, Mental Health student nurse (says it all!) came up with something that has always stuck in my mind and unusually for a Guardian reader, I actually agreed with him.

As far as sexuality is concerned we should all disregard our gender. Gender and sexuality are very different things in the first instance, that is.

Imagine a horizontal line (and if I was any good I could animate this, but I aren’t) and at the left side was feminine (female) and to the right was masculine (male).

Without being who you actually are, gender wise, where would you put yourself? Ignoring the brackets for a minute, of course.

Where in the feminine /masculine continuum are you?

I know that I am a girl but I also think (know) that I am probably close to halfway between the feminine and masculine.

I act like a bloke in some instances. I enjoy and can deal with one-night stands, I am useless at returning calls and I forget birthdays and anniversaries. However I am still on the feminine side of the continuum (and within the side that has the brackets of being a female too) so not only am I still nearly feminine I am also a girl so therefore heterosexual.

I know that this is very simplified interpretation but can’t go into this too deeply here, but I am sure you will get my point.

Where are you?

I know it is said that we live in a throw away society, however there is nothing in place that stops us. Nothing that forces us to give a second thought to what we are doing; nothing that says, have a breather, slow down.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not regretting for a minute going through with my divorce. However………

It took my husband and I over a year from him proposing to us ‘tying the knot’ (obviously far too loosely!). He proposed on New Year’s Eve 2002 – I will always remember it, it was actually quite ingenious and extremely romantic for him, then we married in the January of 2004.

However since completing the petition for our divorce to receiving the date of the first hearing in court has been a matter of weeks.

I thought I was being optimistic thinking I would be a divorcee by the early part of next year however at this rate I will be single by Christmas.

They say patience is a virtue.

You’d think that being a nurse that I would have patience in abundance and you would be right, I do. At work, that is.

Unfortunately, I am not a patient person by nature.

Unfortunately, I soon lose interest if things don’t go to plan, if I am not being given enough attention or feel that I am fighting a losing battle.

Maybe I give up too easily, but we can’t change who we are can we?

I know this is a fact. I know for definite that this is facet of my personality. I have undergone a number of psychometric tests, all in the name of perfecting my husband’s already perfect career. I know my personality inside out. I know what my behavioural strengths and weaknesses are.

So at least I understand why I am, where I am.

I am not getting any attention from the person I want it from and now I am losing interest.

Is patience really a virtue?

If it is, can anyone tell me how and where I can get some from?

Please forgive me for blogging our time together, but you know that I write about what I do, so this shouldn’t be too much of a surprise, I guess.

It has taken me a few days to write – read Marriage blog – all explained there.

I met you in the car park of your flat (not intentional on either part, it was the timing that was right) – committed a cardinal sin right there and then. Recognised you immediately and trusted you instantly. As you said later (and that is the sin) as you parked my car for me you could have driven off with my bags, purse and car. Where would that have left me? But I knew you wouldn’t.

I am far too bloody trusting. And rightly so sometimes.

We scaled the mountain of steps to your flat. Never felt nervous once – you made me feel so welcome.

We were like good old friends; you made me a cup of tea. We chatted.

And then I looked out of the window, you came up behind me, I turned around and we kissed. I can still feel it.

But needed to get out. You suggested lunch and I quickly agreed. Needed some air and some time to get a grip.

We went out. Saw the cranes of East London; only you will know what that means.

And then we had lunch and I felt things change. Didn’t think you wanted me anymore. We chatted like old friends. I knew at that point that whatever happened we were comfortable enough to be together for one night, the X-Factor was our saving grace at that point.

However, then it changed again. We walked back to the tube station. You knew I wanted you, at last! How many times do I need to tell you how gorgeous I think you are?

To cut to the chase – we started to flirt at last. Then we kissed again. I guess neither of us are tactile people but I wanted to touch you again and again. If you knew me at all, you would know that is not me; I am not a touchy cuddly person at all, maybe that is the Scorpio in me.

But you got to me; I needed to leave earlier than I did.

I wish that we could have just done bacon butties, said bye and I then I left. It would have been nicer.

However

I know I left in a rush and I wish that I hadn’t. I really wish I hadn’t.

And now I have ruined it.
I would like to see you again, and again.

I am a good ruiner (is that a word?) of all things good. And you are very good.

And now read why I got so smart arsed and pissed about last night.

Lol, I need no-one and nothing and I am such such a c**t.

But I do, and do. Not necessarily you, but give us a chance

PS I have a score of over 800 on the WII tennis – how the fuck did you beat me?

I have become a person I don’t recognise

I look the same; to my friends I am acting the same

But to me I have become someone else.

When did the change take place?

Did it happen overtime, so slowly that I never saw the metamorphosis?

Did it happen overnight?

I wish I knew

Do I like the ‘new’ me?

Is it a new and improved me?

Give me time and I will let you know

Maybe it is truer than I gave it credit

Maybe all our cells do completely change once every 7 years

And as I am approaching my 35th year, maybe I am becoming a different person

How strange is that?

Well, I am officially now on the road to the end of my marriage. The papers have been read, altered as appropriate and returned to the county court. No going back now.

On the upside, I have a very good day, spent in a very beautiful town with a very nice man.

On the downside I am back to work tomorrow.

However, I do have the weekend to look forward to, and believe me I really can't wait!!