How can someone you barely know get into your head?

I have always been quite a thoughtful, patient, measured person up until this past week or two. I was never one to rush into a situation; in fact I always preferred the situation to come to me, was never one to chase after a dream (or fantasy). Not something I pride myself on, just how I am, or rather, how I was.

However, recently I have found myself inexplicably drawn to a man (let me call him Man, for future reference) and I can’t get him out of my mind. We have chatted on MSN, we have chatted on the phone, exchanged photos and even gone as far as discussing meeting up.

How we came to be in touch with each other is still taboo (in my small world) and not something I would ever share with my friends or family; all I know is I need some drastic action, one way or another, to get him out of my mind.

I am very much aware that people you meet online aren’t always who they say they are, (don’t ask for details just believe me, I know!) I am not naďve in that sense, maybe I’m just so out of the ‘dating game’ that I don’t know how to behave anymore.

And this is where I am floundering.

The first time I saw a picture of Man I felt something. Don’t know what it was, it was something I hadn’t felt before, but I definitely felt something. We chatted online for a while – and still do – however it is the times when we talk on the phone that I look forward to most.

I think that I am on the verge of crossing the line between reality and fantasy, and I am scared that they will merge and my fantasy will become my reality.

I have become so self-reliant and independent (since the break-up of my marriage) it scares me to let go now. I seem to be always on a mission to self-destruct (see previous blog) and now I am at a crossroad. I know sub-consciously there is a part of me that can never give myself completely to someone and for that reason I am always on the path of doubt. I always need to be the person to fuck it up first, even when things are ticking along nicely; I have to find a way. Even when it is absolutely the last thing I want to do. Maybe I just need too much re-assurance?

Anyway my dilemma is; should I carry on communicating with him, or should I let him go?

I have written a few pros and cons of our remote relationship

Pros
1. Man is absolutely gorgeous
2. Man is not married nor has children
3. Man is as reserved as I am – even though I pretend I’m not
4. Man keeps me guessing – tells me I need to be patient – only makes me want him more
5. Man is fucking horny

Cons
1. Man doesn’t live near me, so a relationship can’t be realised without a lot of effort on both sides
2. Man is sometimes too remote, too unobtainable – aloof even (can also be a +ve)
3. Man may be a bit posh for me – me being a Northern Bird with a Northern accent
4. How can you trust Man who picks up girls in chatrooms???

Anyway,

I know what time he usually comes online each evening so I am going to ensure, for the next few days at least, that my computer is definitely turned off at that time so that I do not feel any temptation to talk to him. I need to think, and that will give him time too.

Wish me luck?

Any advice is welcome.

PS And it isn’t about you. (the man that introduced me to this blog, that is)

Lol, your so vain; I bet you think this blog is about you.

PPS Had to get that in at some point, pmsl