No longer an adulterer

A New Beginning

2009-01-26T05:23:33+01:00

Ever done something that you thought you never would? or even should? Wanted to do but never dare?

I did today.

Will tell you more later.

But am re-newed - so all good.

Long may it last.

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Loved

2009-01-17T23:24:42+01:00

I have been loved many times.

I am a rubbish reciprocator; I try; I want to; but still rubbish.

35 years of age and still don’t learn? !

I am not sure whether it is a question or remark

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Ex

2009-01-17T23:02:08+01:00

D is for ‘David’
I is for ‘I’
V is for ‘Verify’
O is for ‘Our’
R is for ‘Resignation’
C is for ‘Cumulating’
E is for ‘our End’
D is for ‘Divorce’

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Shakespeare

2008-10-16T03:05:32+02:00

It has been ages since I last blogged,

So much to say, so little time. Where shall I start?

Ok the divorce is coming along ok, soon to be ex hubby is still swinging from angry to fine to angry again. Mostly we just find ignoring each other is best. We are still living together but I am so desperate to find a nice place to live. He needs space as much as I need to move out.

And now?

I met Older Man 2 again last weekend. Had a fabulous time yet again, but I think we both know that we won’t meet again. I want something different to him and therefore it is safer on both counts not to meet again. Absolute bloody shame though, believe me.

I have also been up to no good on lots of different levels over the past couple of weeks, however that is a totally different kind of blog.

I have continued to chat to Younger Man 1, never met, but we chat all the time. We stumbled upon a conversation tonight that was both equally exciting and bizarre. He called me a witch (no need to say why) I said it wasn’t Macbeth and then he just started rhyming off word for word Shakespeare; I am sure this may sound dull as you weren’t there but it really did something for me.

Will blog longer tomorrow. Too tired now.

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Sexuality – are we pre-determined by our gender?

2008-09-26T16:01:15+02:00

I am sure that I will rebuked for my opinion on sexuality by some, however it is only my opinion. One opinion that I have recently been reminded of; hence why I have decided to write about it.

The history of my thinking is as follows:

I know there are many old-school nurses out there that will absolutely slate the modern way of training nurses as you can’t beat (apparently) learning on the job, however I was born far too late to undergo SRN or SEN training so had to make do with a degree instead. (that is, in part sarcasm, in part knowledge that the NHS would be better off without over qualified brow wipers – but that is another opinion entirely)

Anyway, as part of the theory of nursing we were taught a lot about sociology and psychology. (Inequalities in Health (the Black Report) and Pavlov and his dogs are sure to be mentioned at some point soon) and sometimes we were just exposed to some pointless exercise that you never saw the point of. Until afterwards, that is.

I still remember being sat in a lecture hall in the Clinical Sciences Building at St James’s in Leeds with my IPS (interpersonal skills) tutor and about 50 other students and we were asked to discuss sexuality, openly and honestly. The group ranged in age from 19 to 50+ (I was probably 21 at the time). We had to volunteer rude / offensive / sexually motivated terms that we knew, without explanation. You can only imagine what was said, nurses are so knowledgeable about these things!! It was only after we had stalled with our ‘brain storm’ did we go back through the list and explained what they meant. Apparently it wasn’t a tutorial to get us friendly with each other, it was to teach us what language some of our future ‘patients’ may use.

Anyway one bloke; I remember him ‘til this day, big bushy beard, Guardian reader, Mental Health student nurse (says it all!) came up with something that has always stuck in my mind and unusually for a Guardian reader, I actually agreed with him.

As far as sexuality is concerned we should all disregard our gender. Gender and sexuality are very different things in the first instance, that is.

Imagine a horizontal line (and if I was any good I could animate this, but I aren’t) and at the left side was feminine (female) and to the right was masculine (male).

Without being who you actually are, gender wise, where would you put yourself? Ignoring the brackets for a minute, of course.

Where in the feminine /masculine continuum are you?

I know that I am a girl but I also think (know) that I am probably close to halfway between the feminine and masculine.

I act like a bloke in some instances. I enjoy and can deal with one-night stands, I am useless at returning calls and I forget birthdays and anniversaries. However I am still on the feminine side of the continuum (and within the side that has the brackets of being a female too) so not only am I still nearly feminine I am also a girl so therefore heterosexual.

I know that this is very simplified interpretation but can’t go into this too deeply here, but I am sure you will get my point.

Where are you?

Comments

Getting a Divorce is so easy

2008-09-26T14:41:05+02:00

I know it is said that we live in a throw away society, however there is nothing in place that stops us. Nothing that forces us to give a second thought to what we are doing; nothing that says, have a breather, slow down.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not regretting for a minute going through with my divorce. However………

It took my husband and I over a year from him proposing to us ‘tying the knot’ (obviously far too loosely!). He proposed on New Year’s Eve 2002 – I will always remember it, it was actually quite ingenious and extremely romantic for him, then we married in the January of 2004.

However since completing the petition for our divorce to receiving the date of the first hearing in court has been a matter of weeks.

I thought I was being optimistic thinking I would be a divorcee by the early part of next year however at this rate I will be single by Christmas.

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Patience

2008-09-18T00:10:01+02:00

They say patience is a virtue.

You’d think that being a nurse that I would have patience in abundance and you would be right, I do. At work, that is.

Unfortunately, I am not a patient person by nature.

Unfortunately, I soon lose interest if things don’t go to plan, if I am not being given enough attention or feel that I am fighting a losing battle.

Maybe I give up too easily, but we can’t change who we are can we?

I know this is a fact. I know for definite that this is facet of my personality. I have undergone a number of psychometric tests, all in the name of perfecting my husband’s already perfect career. I know my personality inside out. I know what my behavioural strengths and weaknesses are.

So at least I understand why I am, where I am.

I am not getting any attention from the person I want it from and now I am losing interest.

Is patience really a virtue?

If it is, can anyone tell me how and where I can get some from?

Comments

Weekend

2008-09-17T02:23:08+02:00

Please forgive me for blogging our time together, but you know that I write about what I do, so this shouldn’t be too much of a surprise, I guess.

It has taken me a few days to write – read Marriage blog – all explained there.

I met you in the car park of your flat (not intentional on either part, it was the timing that was right) – committed a cardinal sin right there and then. Recognised you immediately and trusted you instantly. As you said later (and that is the sin) as you parked my car for me you could have driven off with my bags, purse and car. Where would that have left me? But I knew you wouldn’t.

I am far too bloody trusting. And rightly so sometimes.

We scaled the mountain of steps to your flat. Never felt nervous once – you made me feel so welcome.

We were like good old friends; you made me a cup of tea. We chatted.

And then I looked out of the window, you came up behind me, I turned around and we kissed. I can still feel it.

But needed to get out. You suggested lunch and I quickly agreed. Needed some air and some time to get a grip.

We went out. Saw the cranes of East London; only you will know what that means.

And then we had lunch and I felt things change. Didn’t think you wanted me anymore. We chatted like old friends. I knew at that point that whatever happened we were comfortable enough to be together for one night, the X-Factor was our saving grace at that point.

However, then it changed again. We walked back to the tube station. You knew I wanted you, at last! How many times do I need to tell you how gorgeous I think you are?

To cut to the chase – we started to flirt at last. Then we kissed again. I guess neither of us are tactile people but I wanted to touch you again and again. If you knew me at all, you would know that is not me; I am not a touchy cuddly person at all, maybe that is the Scorpio in me.

But you got to me; I needed to leave earlier than I did.

I wish that we could have just done bacon butties, said bye and I then I left. It would have been nicer.

However

I know I left in a rush and I wish that I hadn’t. I really wish I hadn’t.

And now I have ruined it.
I would like to see you again, and again.

I am a good ruiner (is that a word?) of all things good. And you are very good.

And now read why I got so smart arsed and pissed about last night.

Lol, I need no-one and nothing and I am such such a c**t.

But I do, and do. Not necessarily you, but give us a chance

PS I have a score of over 800 on the WII tennis – how the fuck did you beat me?

Comments

Can we control change?

2008-09-09T23:29:33+02:00

I have become a person I don’t recognise

I look the same; to my friends I am acting the same

But to me I have become someone else.

When did the change take place?

Did it happen overtime, so slowly that I never saw the metamorphosis?

Did it happen overnight?

I wish I knew

Do I like the ‘new’ me?

Is it a new and improved me?

Give me time and I will let you know

Maybe it is truer than I gave it credit

Maybe all our cells do completely change once every 7 years

And as I am approaching my 35th year, maybe I am becoming a different person

How strange is that?

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Ups and Downs

2008-09-08T22:57:56+02:00

Well, I am officially now on the road to the end of my marriage. The papers have been read, altered as appropriate and returned to the county court. No going back now.

On the upside, I have a very good day, spent in a very beautiful town with a very nice man.

On the downside I am back to work tomorrow.

However, I do have the weekend to look forward to, and believe me I really can't wait!!

Comments

Questions

2008-09-05T23:24:13+02:00

1. What time did you get up this morning?
morning? Got up about 3pm
2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Haven’t got much of a concentration span; it was Casino Royale – for the white shorts and sea scene
4. What is your favourite TV show?
Anything that is funny
5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
Coffee
6. What is your middle name?
Penelope
7. What food do you dislike?
Prawns
8. What is your favourite CD at moment?
My own download
9. What kind of car do you drive?
Tigra
10.Favourite sandwich?
not a sandwich but Philladelphia on toast
11.What characteristic do you despise?
Ignorance, unpunctuality, rudeness – do I need to pick one?
12.Favourite item of clothing?
jeans
13.If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
Las Vegas again, and again
14.Favourite brand of clothing?
Lol, M&S
15.Where would you retire to?
Texas
16.What was your most recent memorable birthday?
My 30th
17. Favourite sport to watch?
Golf
18. Furtherest place you are sending this?
Home – feeling remote at the moment
19. Person you expect to send it back first?
My mother-in-law
20. When is your birthday?
7th November
21. you a morning person or a night person?
Night
22. What is your shoe size?
5.5
23. Pets?
2 cats
24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?
yes, got my divorce papers through today
25. What did you want to be when you were little?
to be a Barrister
26. How are you today?
a little sad, but ok
27. What is your favourite sweets?
cashew nuts
28.What is your favourite flower?
lillies
29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
decree absolute day
30. What is your full name?
Gillian Penelope
31. What are you listening to right now?
lol, the end of Big Brother
32. What was the last thing you ate?
a custard tart
33. Do you wish on stars?
No
34. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
Red, always
35. How is the weather right now?
got the curtains shut, can’t tell
36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today?
my soon to be lover (I hope)
37.Favourite soft drink?
water
38. Favourite restaurant?
anything that sells veal
39. Real hair colour?
Blonde, always and forever. Never felt the need to dye my hair. It is how it is
40.What was your favourite toy as a child?
Action Man
41. Summer or winter?
summer, the warmer the better
42. Hugs or kisses?
Both at the same time, and more
43. Chocolate or Vanilla?
vanilla
44. Coffee or tea?
Coffee
45. Do you want your friends to Post you back?
Not bothered
46. When was the last time you cried?
about an hour ago
47.What is under your bed?
fluff, and cats toys
48. What did you do last night?
blogged
49.What are you afraid of?
being alone and sad
50.Salty or sweet?
salty
51. How many keys on your key ring?
2, my front door and my car
52.How many years at your current job?
u count, since Feb
53. Favourite day of the week?
All
54. How many towns have you lived in?
7
55.Do you make friends easily?
no
56. How many people will you send this to?
nil
57. How many will respond?
therefore nil

Comments

Petty Argument – Update

2008-09-05T19:57:49+02:00

Guess what?

In the nights I have been away he hasn’t even moved bedrooms.

What a bastard!

Comments

Petty Argument

2008-09-04T22:56:54+02:00

I am returning home in the morning after a few days spent living with friends. Thank you S and G, your life is ace!! If only………….

Never thought that I would be weak enough to move out of my marital home -before the decree absolute comes through and all financials are sorted, that is.

However stbe (soon to be ex) husband and I had the biggest argument of our lives this week. It went something like this.

stbe: I hate sleeping in that bed

me: So? It was your choice to sleep there

stbe: you left me with no choice

me: no, but I would have shifted beds if you hadn’t

stbe: I have done all of August maybe we should swap

me: there are other beds, why not go upstairs?

stbe: no telly there either

me: you never watch telly in bed, it is only there for me

stbe: maybe we should do a month each in that room

me: no

stbe: why not?

me: why?

stbe: to be fair

me: it is only a bedroom

stbe: yes, but it is our bedroom, like that room too

me: ok, will watch dvd’s on my laptop then, no problem

stbe: don’t be like that

me: no. Happy! Will change the bedding in the morning, it’s all yours

stbe: don’t be like that

me: what the fuck do you want? Have just agreed to what you want

stbe: don’t be like that

me: fuck it, have it now. Change the sheets yourself

A little more to it, but the essence is there. Left and rang my friend en route. In retrospect, quite the twat aren’t I?

Petty arguments.

Who’d have ‘em?

And who benefits?

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Even Quicker Answer

2008-09-04T18:30:59+02:00

Further to my previous dilemma I have made my decision.

I just hope it is the right one.

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Quick Question

2008-09-04T01:04:02+02:00

Man 1 is younger than me, single, lives up North, works away a lot, wants to meet me on Monday night (very attractive)

Man 2 is older than me, single, lives down South, works, wants to meet me but no time is convenient (fucking gorgeous)

For a recap – I am 34, live in the southwest, nearly a divorcee

Can’t have both, as I would feel awful.

Which one would you choose?

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Fantasy or Reality?

2008-09-02T16:40:35+02:00

How can someone you barely know get into your head?

I have always been quite a thoughtful, patient, measured person up until this past week or two. I was never one to rush into a situation; in fact I always preferred the situation to come to me, was never one to chase after a dream (or fantasy). Not something I pride myself on, just how I am, or rather, how I was.

However, recently I have found myself inexplicably drawn to a man (let me call him Man, for future reference) and I can’t get him out of my mind. We have chatted on MSN, we have chatted on the phone, exchanged photos and even gone as far as discussing meeting up.

How we came to be in touch with each other is still taboo (in my small world) and not something I would ever share with my friends or family; all I know is I need some drastic action, one way or another, to get him out of my mind.

I am very much aware that people you meet online aren’t always who they say they are, (don’t ask for details just believe me, I know!) I am not naïve in that sense, maybe I’m just so out of the ‘dating game’ that I don’t know how to behave anymore.

And this is where I am floundering.

The first time I saw a picture of Man I felt something. Don’t know what it was, it was something I hadn’t felt before, but I definitely felt something. We chatted online for a while – and still do – however it is the times when we talk on the phone that I look forward to most.

I think that I am on the verge of crossing the line between reality and fantasy, and I am scared that they will merge and my fantasy will become my reality.

I have become so self-reliant and independent (since the break-up of my marriage) it scares me to let go now. I seem to be always on a mission to self-destruct (see previous blog) and now I am at a crossroad. I know sub-consciously there is a part of me that can never give myself completely to someone and for that reason I am always on the path of doubt. I always need to be the person to fuck it up first, even when things are ticking along nicely; I have to find a way. Even when it is absolutely the last thing I want to do. Maybe I just need too much re-assurance?

Anyway my dilemma is; should I carry on communicating with him, or should I let him go?

I have written a few pros and cons of our remote relationship

Pros
1. Man is absolutely gorgeous
2. Man is not married nor has children
3. Man is as reserved as I am – even though I pretend I’m not
4. Man keeps me guessing – tells me I need to be patient – only makes me want him more
5. Man is fucking horny

Cons
1. Man doesn’t live near me, so a relationship can’t be realised without a lot of effort on both sides
2. Man is sometimes too remote, too unobtainable – aloof even (can also be a +ve)
3. Man may be a bit posh for me – me being a Northern Bird with a Northern accent
4. How can you trust Man who picks up girls in chatrooms???

Anyway,

I know what time he usually comes online each evening so I am going to ensure, for the next few days at least, that my computer is definitely turned off at that time so that I do not feel any temptation to talk to him. I need to think, and that will give him time too.

Wish me luck?

Any advice is welcome.

PS And it isn’t about you. (the man that introduced me to this blog, that is)

Lol, your so vain; I bet you think this blog is about you.

PPS Had to get that in at some point, pmsl

Comments

Insight

2008-08-31T19:08:52+02:00

Shock news!

We really aren’t indestructible, are we?

As a typical nurse I am quick to advise about health / ill health. I can lecture for England about the benefits of 5-a-day, not smoking, drinking in moderation and taking regular exercise. Do I take that advice myself? No, of course not!

I have been suffering from what I presumed was a cold / cough for about 3 weeks. Anyway, everyone has one at the moment – why should I be any different? I’ve even spent most of my time in the company of Doctors during that period, both professionally and personally. None of which said, P, I think you need some treatment for that! (Useless buggers!)

Anyway to cut to the chase, very early this past Friday night / Saturday morning I found myself very much out of breath. My hypoxia was high at that point – I know that now because I apparently called my best friend about midnight on Friday, she told me yesterday, when she saw me, that I was talking absolute rubbish and sounded pissed. It didn’t sound any alarm bells to her, we have known each other for years, she has often experienced me being pissed so I can’t blame her for not realising I was hypoxic.

However, it gradually got worse. I couldn’t lie down for any length of time as I couldn’t catch my breath so I did what I thought would help.

Call my GP? Call The NHS Direct? Call for an ambulance? Of course not, I piled up the pillows and tried to sleep sat up.

Did it work? Of course not.

I began to panic.

Sleeping alone I couldn’t even nudge my husband to help me. I started to think I was getting my comeuppance. How bad had I been? I have never been religious but I was beginning to repent, big time!

Luckily I made enough noise to wake my cats up which in turn woke my (soon to be ex (stbe)) husband who was sleeping in a bedroom across the landing.

And herein began my journey of personal insight.

It came to me in one of the must bizarre places – a NHS Hospital.

The experience has been an eye-opener, both personally and professionally.

I have never in my 34 years spent any time as a patient in a hospital in my life; I know that I have been lucky. Never before have I needed a course of antibiotics, never been x-rayed, never been examined by a junior Doctor (that is another blog, altogether). All that changed this weekend.

Anyway the (stbe) husband got me to hospital – in my car may I say, not his. I was triaged and prioritised and placed into resus. That is scary – have you seen Casualty? You presume that resus means there is a chance that you may die. I forgot at that point all my professional training. I was really scared. The nebuliser wasn’t working and I could hear them calling for a chest x-ray stat. I can laugh now (as I am looking back and have the pleasure of being able to breathe easily), but even so, I can still recall the insight I had at that point.

When people are taking over your body, taking over the function of your body it is scary. They talk over you, asking each other what is the next move. I wanted to shout that I’m a nurse I know what I need. Luckily the x-ray was decisive; I had a basal pneumonia. No wonder I couldn’t shift it with Benelyn, Night Nurse and paracetamol.

So I spent a further 24 hours on a medical admissions ward til they discharged me this afternoon. My 24 hours of IV antibiotics done. Had loads of time to read and write.

My moral (if I am allowed to be moral being an (ex) adulterer) is to take the advice of 5-a-day, don’t smoke, drink in moderation, take regular exercise and listen to your body.

PS don’t worry if you don’t have matching knickers and bra on, no-one cares less!!!

Comments

Self-Destruct

2008-08-31T17:56:26+02:00

I write a journal, and mostly my blogs come out of what I have written. That may explain why sometimes my writing is out of sync; it makes a load of sense to me at the time, however when I re-read it, it sounds bollocks, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and therefore I delete and rewrite all the time.

Anyway my point is…………?

I have had quite a bit of time over the past 36hours to read and write my journal without interruption. (The reason why I have had so much ‘me’ time is in my following blog.)

I was so remote when I read my journal I allowed myself to be objective. It was like it belonged to someone else.

How insular, self-loathing and on a path to self-destruction can one person be?

You were right. (Of course, I guess you always are)

I am changing.

I have changed with immediate effect.

Comments

No Longer an Adulterer

2008-08-31T16:49:16+02:00

Having been named and shamed on the petition for my divorce as an adulterer I am glad that I can no longer be branded as such.

The relief is almost tangible.

Not that I am ashamed of my extra-marital affairs, quite the opposite actually. The majority of men that I have met have enriched my life in one-way or another. In fact, delete that, all of the men I have met have taught me something or other, good or bad; I have learnt something from all of them.

I need to clear something up here. Even though I do admit to adultery your interpretation of an affair and certainly the interpretation of my (soon to be ex) husband has of an ‘affair’ is of a sexual relationship. In my case very few of my relationships were ever sexual. In fact, the only reason I class them as affairs are because I hid them from my husband, they were friendships with other people that I didn’t want to share with him. For that reason, these relationships were wrong, choose how I want to dress them up.

So now I have moved on. Can no longer be branded an adulterer. Am free to enter any relationship I choose.

However, everything is different now.

When I had the comfort, security and knowledge of being married I had the confidence to engage with the most unobtainable men. I was so self-assured that no-one was out of reach. If it all went wrong I would just smile and return to my husband who was none-the-wiser and more than happy to boost my confidence again until next time.

Now though, my safety net is no longer there. Life as a single 30-something woman isn’t going to be as easy as I first thought.

I am ready for the challenge.

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