No longer an adulterer

1. What time did you get up this morning?
morning? Got up about 3pm
2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Haven’t got much of a concentration span; it was Casino Royale – for the white shorts and sea scene
4. What is your favourite TV show?
Anything that is funny
5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
Coffee
6. What is your middle name?
Penelope
7. What food do you dislike?
Prawns
8. What is your favourite CD at moment?
My own download
9. What kind of car do you drive?
Tigra
10.Favourite sandwich?
not a sandwich but Philladelphia on toast
11.What characteristic do you despise?
Ignorance, unpunctuality, rudeness – do I need to pick one?
12.Favourite item of clothing?
jeans
13.If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
Las Vegas again, and again
14.Favourite brand of clothing?
Lol, M&S
15.Where would you retire to?
Texas
16.What was your most recent memorable birthday?
My 30th
17. Favourite sport to watch?
Golf
18. Furtherest place you are sending this?
Home – feeling remote at the moment
19. Person you expect to send it back first?
My mother-in-law
20. When is your birthday?
7th November
21. you a morning person or a night person?
Night
22. What is your shoe size?
5.5
23. Pets?
2 cats
24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?
yes, got my divorce papers through today
25. What did you want to be when you were little?
to be a Barrister
26. How are you today?
a little sad, but ok
27. What is your favourite sweets?
cashew nuts
28.What is your favourite flower?
lillies
29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
decree absolute day
30. What is your full name?
Gillian Penelope
31. What are you listening to right now?
lol, the end of Big Brother
32. What was the last thing you ate?
a custard tart
33. Do you wish on stars?
No
34. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
Red, always
35. How is the weather right now?
got the curtains shut, can’t tell
36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today?
my soon to be lover (I hope)
37.Favourite soft drink?
water
38. Favourite restaurant?
anything that sells veal
39. Real hair colour?
Blonde, always and forever. Never felt the need to dye my hair. It is how it is
40.What was your favourite toy as a child?
Action Man
41. Summer or winter?
summer, the warmer the better
42. Hugs or kisses?
Both at the same time, and more
43. Chocolate or Vanilla?
vanilla
44. Coffee or tea?
Coffee
45. Do you want your friends to Post you back?
Not bothered
46. When was the last time you cried?
about an hour ago
47.What is under your bed?
fluff, and cats toys
48. What did you do last night?
blogged
49.What are you afraid of?
being alone and sad
50.Salty or sweet?
salty
51. How many keys on your key ring?
2, my front door and my car
52.How many years at your current job?
u count, since Feb
53. Favourite day of the week?
All
54. How many towns have you lived in?
7
55.Do you make friends easily?
no
56. How many people will you send this to?
nil
57. How many will respond?
therefore nil

Guess what?

In the nights I have been away he hasn’t even moved bedrooms.

What a bastard!

I am returning home in the morning after a few days spent living with friends. Thank you S and G, your life is ace!! If only………….

Never thought that I would be weak enough to move out of my marital home -before the decree absolute comes through and all financials are sorted, that is.

However stbe (soon to be ex) husband and I had the biggest argument of our lives this week. It went something like this.

stbe: I hate sleeping in that bed

me: So? It was your choice to sleep there

stbe: you left me with no choice

me: no, but I would have shifted beds if you hadn’t

stbe: I have done all of August maybe we should swap

me: there are other beds, why not go upstairs?

stbe: no telly there either

me: you never watch telly in bed, it is only there for me

stbe: maybe we should do a month each in that room

me: no

stbe: why not?

me: why?

stbe: to be fair

me: it is only a bedroom

stbe: yes, but it is our bedroom, like that room too

me: ok, will watch dvd’s on my laptop then, no problem

stbe: don’t be like that

me: no. Happy! Will change the bedding in the morning, it’s all yours

stbe: don’t be like that

me: what the fuck do you want? Have just agreed to what you want

stbe: don’t be like that

me: fuck it, have it now. Change the sheets yourself

A little more to it, but the essence is there. Left and rang my friend en route. In retrospect, quite the twat aren’t I?

Petty arguments.

Who’d have ‘em?

And who benefits?

Further to my previous dilemma I have made my decision.

I just hope it is the right one.

Man 1 is younger than me, single, lives up North, works away a lot, wants to meet me on Monday night (very attractive)

Man 2 is older than me, single, lives down South, works, wants to meet me but no time is convenient (fucking gorgeous)

For a recap – I am 34, live in the southwest, nearly a divorcee

Can’t have both, as I would feel awful.

Which one would you choose?

How can someone you barely know get into your head?

I have always been quite a thoughtful, patient, measured person up until this past week or two. I was never one to rush into a situation; in fact I always preferred the situation to come to me, was never one to chase after a dream (or fantasy). Not something I pride myself on, just how I am, or rather, how I was.

However, recently I have found myself inexplicably drawn to a man (let me call him Man, for future reference) and I can’t get him out of my mind. We have chatted on MSN, we have chatted on the phone, exchanged photos and even gone as far as discussing meeting up.

How we came to be in touch with each other is still taboo (in my small world) and not something I would ever share with my friends or family; all I know is I need some drastic action, one way or another, to get him out of my mind.

I am very much aware that people you meet online aren’t always who they say they are, (don’t ask for details just believe me, I know!) I am not naïve in that sense, maybe I’m just so out of the ‘dating game’ that I don’t know how to behave anymore.

And this is where I am floundering.

The first time I saw a picture of Man I felt something. Don’t know what it was, it was something I hadn’t felt before, but I definitely felt something. We chatted online for a while – and still do – however it is the times when we talk on the phone that I look forward to most.

I think that I am on the verge of crossing the line between reality and fantasy, and I am scared that they will merge and my fantasy will become my reality.

I have become so self-reliant and independent (since the break-up of my marriage) it scares me to let go now. I seem to be always on a mission to self-destruct (see previous blog) and now I am at a crossroad. I know sub-consciously there is a part of me that can never give myself completely to someone and for that reason I am always on the path of doubt. I always need to be the person to fuck it up first, even when things are ticking along nicely; I have to find a way. Even when it is absolutely the last thing I want to do. Maybe I just need too much re-assurance?

Anyway my dilemma is; should I carry on communicating with him, or should I let him go?

I have written a few pros and cons of our remote relationship

Pros
1. Man is absolutely gorgeous
2. Man is not married nor has children
3. Man is as reserved as I am – even though I pretend I’m not
4. Man keeps me guessing – tells me I need to be patient – only makes me want him more
5. Man is fucking horny

Cons
1. Man doesn’t live near me, so a relationship can’t be realised without a lot of effort on both sides
2. Man is sometimes too remote, too unobtainable – aloof even (can also be a +ve)
3. Man may be a bit posh for me – me being a Northern Bird with a Northern accent
4. How can you trust Man who picks up girls in chatrooms???

Anyway,

I know what time he usually comes online each evening so I am going to ensure, for the next few days at least, that my computer is definitely turned off at that time so that I do not feel any temptation to talk to him. I need to think, and that will give him time too.

Wish me luck?

Any advice is welcome.

PS And it isn’t about you. (the man that introduced me to this blog, that is)

Lol, your so vain; I bet you think this blog is about you.

PPS Had to get that in at some point, pmsl

Shock news!

We really aren’t indestructible, are we?

As a typical nurse I am quick to advise about health / ill health. I can lecture for England about the benefits of 5-a-day, not smoking, drinking in moderation and taking regular exercise. Do I take that advice myself? No, of course not!

I have been suffering from what I presumed was a cold / cough for about 3 weeks. Anyway, everyone has one at the moment – why should I be any different? I’ve even spent most of my time in the company of Doctors during that period, both professionally and personally. None of which said, P, I think you need some treatment for that! (Useless buggers!)

Anyway to cut to the chase, very early this past Friday night / Saturday morning I found myself very much out of breath. My hypoxia was high at that point – I know that now because I apparently called my best friend about midnight on Friday, she told me yesterday, when she saw me, that I was talking absolute rubbish and sounded pissed. It didn’t sound any alarm bells to her, we have known each other for years, she has often experienced me being pissed so I can’t blame her for not realising I was hypoxic.

However, it gradually got worse. I couldn’t lie down for any length of time as I couldn’t catch my breath so I did what I thought would help.

Call my GP? Call The NHS Direct? Call for an ambulance? Of course not, I piled up the pillows and tried to sleep sat up.

Did it work? Of course not.

I began to panic.

Sleeping alone I couldn’t even nudge my husband to help me. I started to think I was getting my comeuppance. How bad had I been? I have never been religious but I was beginning to repent, big time!

Luckily I made enough noise to wake my cats up which in turn woke my (soon to be ex (stbe)) husband who was sleeping in a bedroom across the landing.

And herein began my journey of personal insight.

It came to me in one of the must bizarre places – a NHS Hospital.

The experience has been an eye-opener, both personally and professionally.

I have never in my 34 years spent any time as a patient in a hospital in my life; I know that I have been lucky. Never before have I needed a course of antibiotics, never been x-rayed, never been examined by a junior Doctor (that is another blog, altogether). All that changed this weekend.

Anyway the (stbe) husband got me to hospital – in my car may I say, not his. I was triaged and prioritised and placed into resus. That is scary – have you seen Casualty? You presume that resus means there is a chance that you may die. I forgot at that point all my professional training. I was really scared. The nebuliser wasn’t working and I could hear them calling for a chest x-ray stat. I can laugh now (as I am looking back and have the pleasure of being able to breathe easily), but even so, I can still recall the insight I had at that point.

When people are taking over your body, taking over the function of your body it is scary. They talk over you, asking each other what is the next move. I wanted to shout that I’m a nurse I know what I need. Luckily the x-ray was decisive; I had a basal pneumonia. No wonder I couldn’t shift it with Benelyn, Night Nurse and paracetamol.

So I spent a further 24 hours on a medical admissions ward til they discharged me this afternoon. My 24 hours of IV antibiotics done. Had loads of time to read and write.

My moral (if I am allowed to be moral being an (ex) adulterer) is to take the advice of 5-a-day, don’t smoke, drink in moderation, take regular exercise and listen to your body.

PS don’t worry if you don’t have matching knickers and bra on, no-one cares less!!!

I write a journal, and mostly my blogs come out of what I have written. That may explain why sometimes my writing is out of sync; it makes a load of sense to me at the time, however when I re-read it, it sounds bollocks, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and therefore I delete and rewrite all the time.

Anyway my point is…………?

I have had quite a bit of time over the past 36hours to read and write my journal without interruption. (The reason why I have had so much ‘me’ time is in my following blog.)

I was so remote when I read my journal I allowed myself to be objective. It was like it belonged to someone else.

How insular, self-loathing and on a path to self-destruction can one person be?

You were right. (Of course, I guess you always are)

I am changing.

I have changed with immediate effect.

Having been named and shamed on the petition for my divorce as an adulterer I am glad that I can no longer be branded as such.

The relief is almost tangible.

Not that I am ashamed of my extra-marital affairs, quite the opposite actually. The majority of men that I have met have enriched my life in one-way or another. In fact, delete that, all of the men I have met have taught me something or other, good or bad; I have learnt something from all of them.

I need to clear something up here. Even though I do admit to adultery your interpretation of an affair and certainly the interpretation of my (soon to be ex) husband has of an ‘affair’ is of a sexual relationship. In my case very few of my relationships were ever sexual. In fact, the only reason I class them as affairs are because I hid them from my husband, they were friendships with other people that I didn’t want to share with him. For that reason, these relationships were wrong, choose how I want to dress them up.

So now I have moved on. Can no longer be branded an adulterer. Am free to enter any relationship I choose.

However, everything is different now.

When I had the comfort, security and knowledge of being married I had the confidence to engage with the most unobtainable men. I was so self-assured that no-one was out of reach. If it all went wrong I would just smile and return to my husband who was none-the-wiser and more than happy to boost my confidence again until next time.

Now though, my safety net is no longer there. Life as a single 30-something woman isn’t going to be as easy as I first thought.

I am ready for the challenge.